I want to talk. They want space.

I want to talk. They want space.

This is a common pattern in relationships.

When we fight we may become emotionally dysregulated, we may scream, say things we don’t mean, feel intense energy in our bodies, shut down and block out our surroundings etc. When we become emotionally dysregulated, things are upside down. We don’t feel “right”. We feel uncomfortable.

We all have a different way of getting back to “the good place” in our relationship. The place where we feel comfortable, relaxed, secure, sure and trusting. The way we get back is by regulating or calming down.

Everyone has a different way of regulating. Some people take some time alone to breathe, walk, or journal, and center themselves. Others listen to music, cook, dance, exercise, take a bath. Others talk it out. Others want physical affection. It doesn’t matter how you regulate- just that you do.

As an individual knowing how to regulate yourself is an important skill. This skill is called upon many times a day- when the guy in front of you doesn’t turn right on red, when you spill coffee all over yourself and you were already running late, when your kid is sick and you have an important presentation at work, when you fight with your partner. These are all places that we can get worked up and knowing how to bring ourselves back to that calm place is helpful. However, individual regulation can look a lot different than regulation in a couple.

When a couple is trying to regulate, sometimes our needs for regulating may be in direct conflict. One partner wants to talk it out and the other partner needs space. Partner 1 can’t talk if partner 2 is having space and partner 2 can’t have space if partner 1 is talking to them. Partner 1’s way of regulating is with someone. Typically this person may not have skills to regulate by themselves. They are a people person. They are used to having someone around to talk to, to help them out when needed. Unfortunately, someone may not always be available to regulate with partner 1, so it is in partner 1’s best interest and the interest of the relationship for partner 1 to figure out how to regulate alone.

When an opportunity arises where both partners need to regulate and the needs are in direct conflict. Allow partner 2 take his/her space for 10 minutes. If possible partner 2  to say to partner 1 reaffirming words such as “I love you and I’m not going anywhere. I want to work on our relationship, but right now I need some time for myself.” Set a timer for both of you. If possible, have partners occupy different rooms for this 10 minutes. No talking should occur and both partners should stay in their designated room for the entirety of the ten minutes. If talking or entering one another’s room takes place, the time should be restarted for ten minutes. The ten minutes should be spent breathing and using coping skills to regulate. When the timer is up, partners should meet in the same room and reassess where they are. Are both partners in a place to talk? Is more time needed to regulate before talking? If more space is needed could a hug or hand hold take place or can partner 2 give partner 1 reaffirming words such as “I love you and I’m not going anywhere. I want to work on our relationship, but right now I need some time for myself.” Then a second round of ten minutes apart. After this round, both partners should meet in the same room and go over the disagreement. If either partner gets dysregulated this can be noted, “It seems you are getting dysregulated. Do you want to take a break and continue this discussion later?” If needed take the break.

Continue as possible until conversation is completed. During this process remember not to judge or shame your partner. No negative language to be used. Partners are simply identifying and stating their own needs and also offering observations of what they see. Afterwards, both partners should express gratitude for one another during this time. I.e. “Thank you for allowing me to have my needs and letting me have space, even though I know this was very difficult for you. “Thank you for being willing to talk about our disagreement. Even though, it did not happen at the pace I prefer, I so appreciate you not shutting down and sticking to the plan we agreed to.

This exercise is a good starting place. As both partners learn to regulate, the times may decrease. If partner 2 truly gets ten whole minutes to themselves, that may be enough for them to come back and have the conversation. This is an exercise for this particular incident, however if both partners work on their individual regulating skills, this would dramatically improve the couples’ ability to regulate together. The healthier you are as individuals the healthier you are as a couple.