Dealings with Feelings

Feelings are not rational. They do not follow logic. If you try to rationalize and make sense of feelings logically, you most likely will not get very far. This is due to big feelings being triggered and popping up whenever an old emotional wound is opened or brushed up against. Often the person doesn't know that this is happening and so they are not able to tell you. Through individual counseling and self-work one can work on these unhealed and unprocessed places to prevent these big feelings from blindsiding and hijacking. 

Whatever people feel, it is real and true for them at the moment, whether it makes sense to you or not. Again, it is REAL and TRUE for them. To deny one's feelings is to deny their truth. You don't get a say so over their truth, only your own. Feelings must be accepted and respected. To validate one's feelings is to accept and respect one's feelings. Often people try to change other’s feelings and end up in a fight or misunderstanding. This is because there isn't acceptance of what one is feeling, but desire to change those feelings. 

I.E.

P1: “Why are you crying? What’s wrong?”

P2: “Oh I’m just feeling sad. I had a really hard day”

P1:“Oh that doesn’t make sense. Why are you crying? I’m sure it wasn’t that bad. Let’s go do something fun to take your mind off of it.”

P2: “Uhh...nevermind just leave me alone”.

P1 has good intentions, but in saying that P2’s feelings and behaviors don’t make sense, P1 is invalidating P2’s feelings. The message P2 receives from P1 is “What you are feeling doesn’t make sense. You don’t make sense”. With this message P2 withdraws as he/she doesn’t feel P1 is safe to share feelings with in the moment.  P1 probably has an aversion to crying and just wants the crying to stop. Many of us have been conditioned to avoid uncomfortable feelings and especially crying. P1 wants to make P2 feel better and so suggests a fun activity. What would actually help P2 is for P1 to validate P1’s feelings, offer support, and listen.

I.E.

P1: Why are you crying? What’s wrong?”

P2: “Oh I’m just feeling sad. I had a really hard day”.

P1: “ Oh no. I’m so sorry you had a bad day. Do you want to talk about it?

P2: “No not right now”.

P1” Okay is there anything I can do that would help right now?”

P2: “Yeah, I’ll take a hug.”

This is a very different conversation. P1 knows that there is nothing he/she can do to change P2’s feelings and so P1 does not try to change P2’s feelings. P1 accepts and respects P2's feelings.  P2 acknowledges P1’s feelings and then offers support.

Ways to acknowledge feelings:

1. I didn’t know you were feeling _____.

2. I’m so sorry you are feeling ____.

3. Oh no. Sorry you aren’t feeling _____

4. Sorry you are feeling ____.

5. Thanks for telling me how you feel. I’m so sorry you aren’t feeling great.

Ways to offer support:

1. I am here if you want to talk about it.

2. Is there anything I can do that would help?

3. Do you want to talk about it?

4. I don’t know what to say, but I can listen.

5. I am here for you.

There are no perfect words. You want to find words that feel authentic to you. Find phrases for acknowledging feelings and offering support that feel natural and that you can use with your partner. Then practice. The more you use these skills, the less you will have to think of them and they will become part of your communication pattern.